He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
