Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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