Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
