I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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