I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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