my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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