True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
