peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
