the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
