I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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