He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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