At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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