My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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