everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
