Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i was born a porn star she said
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
