Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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