Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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