And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
