i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
As shirtless as possible
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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