I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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