My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
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And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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