his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
