the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
