I need to stop coming to work sober
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
