Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
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I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
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This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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