just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
