dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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