Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I cut my penus on the lid.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
