She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
