I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
