Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm always down for nudity.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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