I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
