I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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