I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
