Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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