You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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