I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
farters have to be the big spoon...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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