So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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