I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
