Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
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Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
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I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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