So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
