I just found puke in my bra..
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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