What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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