Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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