Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
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I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
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We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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