i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
