So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
