does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
