Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
