Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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