So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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