guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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