see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
