On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
