I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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