Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
