Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Let's paint friendship bongs
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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