and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
