I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
