I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
