It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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